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The Family Dining Guide:
What to Know When You Take a Child to a Restaurant
By Bridget Avila
One Tuesday night last November, I experienced for the first time the sinking feeling of walking into a restaurant dining room and thinking, “Oh my God, we shouldn't be here with the kids.” My parents were in town and wanted crab cakes. I wanted to treat them to a nice dinner out with the grandkids that wouldn't require our leaving the Broadneck Peninsula , so we made a reservation at the Severn Inn.
My husband and I had gone to happy hours at the Severn Inn in the summer, where we sat on the deck in shorts and sandals enjoying our discounted appetizers and cocktails. But we hadn't peeked into the dining room to observe the hushed conversations taking place across linen-covered tables. Now our toddler son was clanging silverware atop said linen.
Only two other tables were occupied—it was early on a cold and rainy Tuesday evening. One party looked like a group of adult family members. The other, a decidedly romantic pair. What did they think of my lively toddler and preschooler? Did they notice? Were they paying off the servers to expedite our meal? And what did restaurant management think?
To Dine or Not to Dine . . . Should Kids Be Fine Diners?
My concern about our boisterous party disturbing other patrons was probably heightened by dining horror stories I'd read on line. Among the myriad discussion threads on my favorite Web site for all things food-related, www.egullet.org, is a thread with more than 500 responses spanning more than 3 years. The topic? Children in restaurants. A short reading of this thread reveals many of the posters to be regulars of the fine dining world in cities like Washington, New York, and Chicago and more than a few are dead-set against children entering that world.
Charles Sweeney, a Washington-based writer and host of eGullet's Restaurant Life forum, is skeptical about children causing any more of a bother to diners than problems like bad food or “blowhards” using cell phones at the table or otherwise holding forth at high volumes.
“I think people like to tell horror stories, but in my years working as a waiter, busboy, and bartender in everything from fine restaurants to neighborhood bars, I've never found children to be any particular problem.”
Luckily for all of us at the Severn Inn last November, our server immediately approached our table with little fruit plates for each of my children to nosh on while the grownups considered the menu. It didn't hurt that she also seemed genuinely thrilled to interact with them.
Once our dinner was served, my apprehension lessened as the kids tucked into their specially ordered grilled chicken (the Severn Inn has high chairs, but no kids' menu)—and my crab cakes. The other patrons in the dining room seemed blissfully unaware of our presence.
The View from the Restaurant
Danny Meyer, owner of eleven New York restaurants, which range from barbecue joint to upscale fine dining, and someone who's known for his strong opinions on why restaurants should be more concerned with hospitality than just with service, was recently asked by the Washington Post about children in his restaurants. In his opinion, exposing children to quality restaurants creates positive experiences and memories. He also suggests that unruly children be removed from the environment until they calm down and that management should offer help if need be.
While researching this story, I was happy to find that local restaurateurs seem to echo Meyer's sentiment. When I spoke with the management of several local restaurants, everyone I spoke with enthusiastically said they welcome children as patrons. While I grant that no restaurateur would want it in print that any segment of the population was unwelcome in his or her establishment, it's also true that most people who go through the trouble of opening a restaurant truly like people and understand something about hospitality.
How to Know When You're Good to Go
Gavin Buckley, of the group that owns Tsunami, Lemongrass, and Metropolitan in Annapolis, not only welcomes children (especially his own toddling son) in all of his restaurants, but is somewhat surprised by the apparent division among American restaurants targeted to different age groups. “In Europe you see kids in fine restaurants all the time. We get a lot of kids at Lemongrass II and on the rooftop at Metropolitan, and I think it's great.”
The salient point brought up by restaurateurs and frequent diners alike is that adults bringing children to a restaurant need to know how the kids will handle the situation and when they need to call it quits. As Buckley puts it, “You just have to know when the kids have had enough and be prepared to leave if need be.”
Jamie Adkins, general manager of the Severn Inn (those gracious hosts who helped me hold together that November dinner with my children) echoes that advice. “While some patrons ask not to be seated near a party with children, I've never had anyone complain about children. Parents just monitor their children and take them outside if they get unruly.”
As a parent and a former waitress, I would add that restaurant staff play a part in how well children can handle a dining experience. The Severn Inn provides a good example, with the fruit and willingness to cook small plates of items offered on the regular menu. Servers should also communicate with parents. Do they want the children's entrées to come out immediately or with the entire order? Some children may need to eat right away. Others may get bored just in time for Mom and Dad's dinner if they're fed first.
Management should pay attention to tables with children (or any table, really) to make sure something hasn't gone wrong and to ensure service is on par and timely.
Making the Most of Your Dining Experience
The key word for taking children to fine restaurants is preparation. Manners, of course, will not spontaneously appear in a youngster upon his or her taking a seat before a linen tablecloth. While you needn't expect junior to know the finer points of using a fish fork, even very small children can understand common courtesies such as saying “please” and “thank you” and using an “inside voice” in a quiet setting.
Then there are logistical concerns. Fine restaurants are not likely to have coloring pages to keep children occupied. Karen Wilder, owner of Wild Orchid, suggests, “It's a good idea to have a quiet activity or books.” But choose carefully. While a muted video game may keep your child pacified for an hour or so, it hinders socializing—part of what the restaurant experience should include for children.
Preparation coupled with frequent exposure will help children become stellar dining companions. As Adkins puts it, “Parents should bring their children to restaurants frequently. It's the only way they'll learn. Let them know what's happening, that they should talk with their family using an inside voice, and that they may have to wait.”
In addition to the social experience, Wilder says parents can use a restaurant meal to help expand their children's palates. “Family members can share plates, giving children the opportunity to try new foods.” Of course, in my case, that led to my daughter devouring my crab cakes. Such are the happy sacrifices we parents sometimes make.
Five Ways to Make Certain Your Children are Welcome in Restaurants
1. Set a good example when eating at home and out. Your children will emulate your consideration and good manners.
2. Bring something from home—a quiet game or book—to channel all that youthful energy.
3. Keep your children at your table. Children walking (much less running) around the restaurant can disturb other diners and become a safety hazard to servers.
4. Encourage your children to try something from your plate, but let them order something they'll be happy with. This isn't the time to take a stand on vegetables.
5. Clean up after your family. Ask for napkins to help remove food that's fallen (or been thrown) onto the floor. Don't leave crayons, books, and crackers scattered across the restaurant.
Etiquette for Everyone
Here are some tips for patrons and restaurant staff for treating each other with civility.
Timing is Everything
If you make a reservation, try to be on time. Call ahead if you're going to be more than 15 minutes late, and cancel as far in advance as possible if your plans change, so that someone else can get a table.
What is Casual Dress?
If you're headed to a restaurant for the first time and are unsure about how to dress, call and ask the host outright what the dress code is. When in doubt, it's safer to wear something more conservative.
Substitutions and Sending Dishes Back
If your order is unsatisfactory, there's no need to be aggressive with the waitstaff, but it is appropriate to say something so the chef and waiter have an opportunity to rectify the situation.
Cell Phones
Turn off your cell phone or switch it to silent mode before sitting down to eat and leave it in your pocket or purse.
Wine Sense
What happens when you order a bottle of wine and simply don't like it? If you confidently ordered the bottle on your own, without consultation from a sommelier or wine steward, it is generally not appropriate to send it back—especially if it is an expensive bottle. However, if you requested assistance from the staff and don't like what they suggested, it is your prerogative to express displeasure with the wine and send it back.
Tipping
Tips are a customer's way to provide feedback about the service in a restaurant and should be used to reflect quality. If service is inattentive, forgetful, rude, or careless, leave a smaller tip to indicate your displeasure. Only in extreme cases should you not tip at all. By the same token, if you feel your server would go to any length to make you happy (or if your group has scheduled a meeting at a restaurant and held a table for a long time while ordering minimally), a 20–25 percent (or greater) tip is advisable.
Communicate
The more you communicate with the waiter, the better he or she can serve you. If you are displeased with the dining experience in any way, it is up to you to calmly and politely articulate that to the waiter or manager so he or she can have an opportunity to fix the problem. If you don't say anything and just wait until the end of the meal to leave a substandard tip, the waiter won't know what went wrong.
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