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Mind Your Manners: A Wedding Etiquette Guide

By Stephanie Avent
Illustration by Katie Blocher

Unless you’ve been married as many times as Liz Taylor—or been to each of her weddings—you may find keeping up with wedding etiquette a little daunting. As a bride or groom you may be unsure of how to word your invitations or how much you should tip the limo driver. As a bridesmaid you may not know who to invite to the bridal shower or when it should be thrown. As a groomsman you may not know whether you are expected to pay for your own tuxedo. Weddings should be a time of joy, not distress. This primer of wedding etiquette will help you make the most of this happy celebration.

Money, money, money: Who pays for what?

When it comes to wedding planning, one of the first things you have to decide is what your budget will be. To figure that out it’s helpful to know who is expected to pay for what—and what you will have to pay for, for that matter!

In ancient times a bride’s family provided a large dowry in hopes of attracting a good husband. From there our culture derived the idea that the bride’s family was to be responsible for a majority of wedding costs. Today this assumption of responsibility is gradually becoming a choice rather than a requirement (one that was not always possible for some families to fulfill) and it is not surprising to find both families contributing equally to the costs or the bride and groom paying for part or all of the expenses themselves. But a gradual change it is, and many families still follow tradition. If yours is one that does, here is what everyone is expected to cover. If not, here’s what will typically need to be covered.

Traditional breakdown of expenses:

Bride or bride’s family:

• Engagement party
• Invitations, announcements, programs, menus, thank you cards, etc.
• Wedding gown and accessories
• Bridesmaids’ luncheon
• Fee for ceremony site
• Flowers (with the exception of corsages, boutonnieres, and the bride’s bouquet)
• Photography and videography
• Musicians or DJ
• Transportation of bridal party to and from the ceremony and reception
• Gifts for the bride’s attendants
• Bride’s gift to groom (if the couple chooses to give one)
• Groom’s wedding ring
• Reception expenses
• Accommodations for bride’s out-of-town attendants

Groom or groom’s family:

• Groom’s tuxedo or suit
• Boutonnieres for groom’s attendants
• Corsages for immediate family members on both sides (optional)
• The bride’s bouquet
• Officiant’s fee
• Transportation for groom and best man to ceremony
• Marriage license
• Bride’s engagement ring and wedding ring
• Groom’s gift to bride (if the couple chooses to give one)
• Gifts for the groom’s attendants
• Honeymoon
• Rehearsal dinner
• Accommodations for groom’s out-of-town attendants
• Transportation and lodging for groom’s out-of-town family members

Bridesmaids:

• Bachelorette party
• Dresses and accessories
• Transportation to wedding location (city)
• Gift to couple
• Contribution to bridesmaids’ gift to bride
• Shower

Groomsmen:

• Bachelor party
• Tuxedo rental
• Transportation to wedding location (city)
• Gift to couple
• Contribution to groomsmens’ gift to groom

Stand by Me: Choosing Your Attendants

Your wedding day is one of the biggest events of your life; you’ll want to share it with someone who cares! Therefore couples choose attendants, typically their closest friends and family members, to participate in the joy of their wedding experience. There are no strict guidelines here. You may choose as many attendants as you’d like and there is no usher-to-bridesmaid ratio that has to be met. On average couples choose one usher for each 50 guests.

While tradition holds that women are chosen as bride’s attendants and men as groom’s attendants, modern wedding etiquette recognizes that the groom may choose a female honor attendant or female usher and the bride may choose a man of honor or male attendant—just don’t plan on his joining you for a pedicure!

Wedding Invitations

Now that you’ve planned a budget and chosen your attendants it’s time to think about the invitations. Invitation etiquette is likely an area that is an enigma to most of us (Liz excluded) and it is one where the “rules” can get a little sticky. So here’s what you need to know to help you to get those envelopes to the post office before you can say, “RSVP.”

The out-of-towners
Deciding whether to invite out-of-town guests who you know can’t attend can be touchy. You don’t want to seem as if you’re simply hunting for gifts but you also don’t want these folks feel left out. Unfortunately, the way someone feels about this varies from person to person. The best thing to do in this situation is to send an invitation to those you are very close to and an announcement to those you aren’t.

And significant others
Peggy Post, etiquette authority and granddaughter of Emily Post, says, “Partners of invited guests must be included in a wedding invitation whether they are married, engaged, or living together and whether anybody in the wedding party knows them.”

Do the write thing
Invitations should be sent out six to eight weeks before the wedding date. The type of invitations you choose will set the tone for the level of formality your guests can expect at your wedding. If you are having a casual wedding on the beach you may choose a nontraditional invitation with a tropical theme and informal wording such as “We’re tying the knot! Please join us as we celebrate . . .”

If you plan to have a formal wedding the invitations should reflect that. Regardless of style, etiquette prescribes several rules of thumb:

The invitation’s content should include the names of those hosting the party (the parents, couple, etc.); the announcement of the celebration that the guest is being invited to (ceremony, reception, or both); the names of the bride- and groom-to-be; the day, date (spelled out: the seventh of July), and year of the wedding (the year should be spelled out); the time, written as “o’clock,” with half hours expressed as “half after six o’clock”; the name of the venue; and the address of the venue without the ZIP code (street address is sometimes eliminated here too). The words Street and Avenue are always written out.

Punctuation at the end of each line is rarely used. Etiquette advises that you do not include registry or gift preference information in your invitation—this implies that a gift is expected. Traditionally, attendants, friends, and family members spread word of the couple’s gift preferences. The inclusion of registry cards in the shower invitation is also acceptable.

Invitations generally use the British spelling of the words “honour,” as in “the honour of your presence is requested,” and “favour,” as in “the favour of a reply is requested.” This is a formal tradition, but one that is still used a majority of the time.

Addressing the Issue: Envelopes
Typically wedding invitations have an outer and an inner envelope. They should be addressed as follows:
Married couples: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Allen
Unmarried couples who live at the same address: Miss Kathleen Davis and Mr. John Gordon (this applies if both people are close friends of the couple to be married; if one person is a friend, address the outer envelope to that person and include his or her significant other on the inner envelope only)
Unmarried couples at different addresses: each guest is sent a separate invitation
Single men and women: Mr. Joshua Miner, Miss Emily Watson
Single men or women and a guest: Mr. Thomas McCray and Guest
Doctors: Doctor Linda O’Neil
Military: Major and Mrs. David Foster, Captain and Major Green

Modern etiquette allows the omission of the surname and the use of first names, if preferred: Richard and Kelly Allen. If the couple’s last names are different, put them in alphabetical order. Never use middle initials. Either write out the guest’s middle name or leave it out.

Children over the age of 13 should receive their own invitations. The names of children under the age of 13 should appear on a separate line beneath those of their parents, on the inner envelope if one is being used and on the outer envelope if not. Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Family is only used when everyone in that household is invited. If you don’t want children at your wedding, write only the parents’ names on the outer envelopes of your invitations. Most people will get the hint. Never put “no children” or “adults only” on an invitation!

If you are not using a computer that prints in script, envelopes should be handwritten (a calligrapher—or the help of friends or family members who possess this talent—is often recruited for tackling this tedious job). Typing and mailing labels should never be used for addressing the envelopes.

RSVP cards should be placed face up, under the flaps of their envelopes, which usually are addressed and stamped. The invitations and enclosures should be placed in the envelope according to size, with the largest items on the bottom and the smallest on top and all print always facing up.

Helpful hint:
When you are addressing your invitations, put tiny numbers on the card or response envelope and make a list with the guest’s name next to the number that corresponds to his or her invitation. If you get a response card back from someone who forgot to fill in his or her name you’ll have no problem figuring out who it came from!

Once you’ve arranged for the venue, music, food, officiant, flowers, and cake, you are basically in the clear. Of course, there are still questions that will come up. Here are the answers to a few you might have:

Practice makes perfect: who goes to the rehearsal dinner?
Besides close family and the wedding party, out-of-town guests are often invited to the rehearsal dinner. This is the perfect opportunity for new acquaintances to be made; stories to be shared; and longer, more personal toasts to be made.

Rock the cash bar?
More and more, etiquette states that having your guests pay for their own drinks is a wedding don’t! Your guests are exactly that: guests, regardless of where you invite them—if you wouldn’t have someone pay for a drink in your home, you shouldn’t expect it at your wedding reception.

It’s customary: tipping
Often gratuities are included in the fees for wedding services. Sometimes they aren’t. Here is where you should plan to flash some green (tips should be given in cash!):

• Valet parking ($1 to $2 a car), coat check, and bathroom attendants ($.50–$2 per guest). Your guests should not be expected to tip for these services. A sign placed nearby will let them know that their host has arranged to cover gratuities.
• Generally a 15–20 percent gratuity goes to chauffeurs, wait staff, bartenders, limo drivers, caterers, venue managers, hairstylists, and makeup artists.
• Surpass tradition and tip any other vendors or individuals who did an exemplary job.

When all is done, you can stand back and congratulate yourselves on a well-planned, successful wedding. Now it’s off to the honeymoon. The only important rule that applies here is to have fun!

Tips for the Bridesmaids: Showered With Love

Bridal showers take place most often one to two months before the wedding but may be held a bit earlier. A shower should never be held less than two weeks before the wedding date.

Generally the bridesmaids throw the shower, with the maid of honor serving as the host, but it is not required. Friends and members of the wedding party who are not immediate family may also host it. Immediate family should not host the party if it can be helped, as it can be seen as a request for gifts. Coed showers are gaining popularity and can involve the best man and groomsmen, as well.

Everyone who is invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding, but it is not necessary for everyone on the couple’s wedding guest list to be invited to the shower—in fact, it is considered to be in poor taste by some (a demand for more gifts).

While traditional etiquette does not allow for the names of the stores where the couple has registered to be printed on the shower invitation, modern etiquette is becoming a bit more lenient and many hosts are adding this information to the invitations. Traditionalists can still share the information without printing the registry details, by directing the guests to the couple’s bridal Web site, if one is available, or by the old-fashioned method: word of mouth.